West Mifflin downs shorthanded Arsenal to advance to Championship game

Arsenal 1-1 West Mifflin FC (West Mifflin win 4-2 on penalties)

Vargo; Kufen, Pasternak, Gasparovic, Winters; Gauss, M. Hasson, S. Hasson, Gauss; Stinner, Lacock

Substitutes: Nickel, Lee, Degerolamo, Isadore, Kutscher

1-0 Gauss (53)

1-1 Hamstring-less Wonder (89)

The Blues took on Arsenal, the GPSL Championship Division's class team for the second week in a row on Saturday, July 30th, for the right to play in the title game the following day. A mere six days ago, Arsenal bested the Blues 2-1 at their home field at Shady Side Academy on a complete twat-wad of a handball call. The memory of being screwed out of a victory probable draw (at best) served as motivation for the Blues, who needed two halves of extra time and penalties to advance. 

Irony is a funny thing, and fortunately for the Blues, they were the ones getting the punchlines. West Mifflin, a team that has had tremendous difficulty getting enough people to games, was swimming in substitutes, while Arsenal, a team with I'm sure thousands of speedy little minions that are created with mud and sticks like Orcs, had exactly 11. The game played out similarly to that of the game a week earlier - with Arsenal passing fluently and intelligently - but West Mifflin were able to be more physical  more often because of the numbers advantage. And thank God, because despite only having 11 players - one of which was nearly immobile because of a pulled hamstring - Arsenal still pinged the ball around like they were the real fucking Arsenal.  

There is little to talk about of the first half because as usual I can't remember anything. West Mifflin had a few chances, but what they were or how they came about I can't recall. All I can remember is a massive blob of turd-fat and his merry sidekick being behind the West Mifflin bench drinking beer and belching. They were shirtless...and it was horrifying. I'm grasping here because I really want to get to the Championship game. My memory of that game is slightly more fresh...but fading fast. 

Somehow, Arsenal got a free kick just off the top left of the box. The British coach and Lanky Turd lined up over the ball. Lanky Turd ran up as if he was going to take the kick and continued on past the wall, while the coach fed him the ball on the flank. Yeah...that's where I go blank. They didn't score though. Stinner had a couple chances but fluffed them both. Annnnnnd halftime.

The second  half is as much an abscess of nothing as the first half was. However, after about  eight minutes, West Mifflin made the breakthrough. The ball was passed around a few times and eventually was crossed in to Gauss. Gauss did something and then bundled it in. The WMFC bench went wild. 

There really is little else to talk about until we get to the end of regular time. Earlier in the second half, Lanky Turd was jostling with one of WMFC's midfielders when he suddenly dropped for no reason. Immediately, an EMT came sprinting across the pitch, for there was no doubt Turd suffered severe brain, heart, lung, nervous system and sphincter aneurysms all at that same exact moment. But wait...no! The little cunt just took the second worst dive of his career. The shit got up grinning like the Cheshire cat - knowing full well he took a dive. Nothing came of it, but talk about foreshadowing. 

With only around a minute and a half remaining in the match, Lanky Turd outdid his first dive with one of the worst flops of all time. I'm not even sure who was 'guilty' of the love tap, but someone ever so gingerly nudged this flimsy little turd and he flopped like a cinder block being dropped off a cliff. What's the worst part? Lanky Turd stands up with that same poxy-gummed grin on his face. Just moments before, another Arsenal player was absolutely mauled by Lacock, but whatever. This dive was criminal. So, an incensed band of WMFC players lined up around the outside of the box, heaping expletives at this dude as he lined up to take his ill-gotten penalty. I'm not even sure Vargo guessed the right way (I seem to remember that he did), but Karma, in all her glory, sent that bullshit clanging off of the post and eventually out for a corner. Immediately, a complete shit-storm of disses and name-calling rained down on Turd. It was really nothing less than he deserved. Unfortunately, the ensuing corner was turned into the top corner by a guy with a pulled hamstring that couldn't lift his leg to stop over an ant. Extra time was on the cards. 

West Mifflin put immense pressure on Arsenal in the two extra frames. I really don't remember any of the two halves except that Gasparovic was on a rampage. Normally, he reserves his guile and malice for people that actually talk shit. In this case, however, the anger was too great, and the hot-headed Slovakian(?) started yelling at and bouncing into the Arsenal player/coach...completely unprovoked. In hindsight, that shit was hilarious. No one scored in the extra time so it went to PK's. 

West Mifflin sent Baguet, Degerolamo, Gauss, S. Hasson, and M. Hasson to the spot. Baguet lined up and fired a beauty into the top corner. Arsenal responded with a make of their own. Degerolamo, in a wonderful and fitting ode to the FIFA video game franchise, chose to be a little snake and send it down the middle. The keeper dove and got a hand to it, but the shot was too much and it soared into the net. Arsenal responded with the first miss of the shootout, sending it wide to the right. The PK master, Steve Gauss, lined up to take his turn with a bum calf and for the first time I've ever witnessed, sent his kick wide.* The next Arsenal guy tied it back up at two a piece. Sean Hasson was next and sent a bullet up high and in to make it 3-2. The next Arsenal player stepped up. It was the kid with red hair. Not the Carrot Top curly haircut red hair, the regular red hair. He stepped up, picked his spot and let fly. Rob Vargo picked the same spot, leaped across the mouth of the goal, and made the stop. Cheers erupted as the Birthday Boy, Mike Hasson, a Bob Stinner signing from a year ago, stepped up to finish the job. The controller started rumbling. Mike placed the ball and took a few steps back. He looked at the keeper and took a deep breath (I guess). He made his approach and pummeled the ball into the top of the goal and the Blues rushed the field in celebration. That was it. The Arsenal were unbeaten no longer and WMFC was on its way to its first ever GPSL Championship game. 

Check back tomorrow for what I hope to be a less shitty match report of the Championship game. 

Cheers!

*I blame Tony Kostelnik.