West Mifflin downs shorthanded Arsenal to advance to Championship game

Arsenal 1-1 West Mifflin FC (West Mifflin win 4-2 on penalties)

Vargo; Kufen, Pasternak, Gasparovic, Winters; Gauss, M. Hasson, S. Hasson, Gauss; Stinner, Lacock

Substitutes: Nickel, Lee, Degerolamo, Isadore, Kutscher

1-0 Gauss (53)

1-1 Hamstring-less Wonder (89)

The Blues took on Arsenal, the GPSL Championship Division's class team for the second week in a row on Saturday, July 30th, for the right to play in the title game the following day. A mere six days ago, Arsenal bested the Blues 2-1 at their home field at Shady Side Academy on a complete twat-wad of a handball call. The memory of being screwed out of a victory probable draw (at best) served as motivation for the Blues, who needed two halves of extra time and penalties to advance. 

Irony is a funny thing, and fortunately for the Blues, they were the ones getting the punchlines. West Mifflin, a team that has had tremendous difficulty getting enough people to games, was swimming in substitutes, while Arsenal, a team with I'm sure thousands of speedy little minions that are created with mud and sticks like Orcs, had exactly 11. The game played out similarly to that of the game a week earlier - with Arsenal passing fluently and intelligently - but West Mifflin were able to be more physical  more often because of the numbers advantage. And thank God, because despite only having 11 players - one of which was nearly immobile because of a pulled hamstring - Arsenal still pinged the ball around like they were the real fucking Arsenal.  

There is little to talk about of the first half because as usual I can't remember anything. West Mifflin had a few chances, but what they were or how they came about I can't recall. All I can remember is a massive blob of turd-fat and his merry sidekick being behind the West Mifflin bench drinking beer and belching. They were shirtless...and it was horrifying. I'm grasping here because I really want to get to the Championship game. My memory of that game is slightly more fresh...but fading fast. 

Somehow, Arsenal got a free kick just off the top left of the box. The British coach and Lanky Turd lined up over the ball. Lanky Turd ran up as if he was going to take the kick and continued on past the wall, while the coach fed him the ball on the flank. Yeah...that's where I go blank. They didn't score though. Stinner had a couple chances but fluffed them both. Annnnnnd halftime.

The second  half is as much an abscess of nothing as the first half was. However, after about  eight minutes, West Mifflin made the breakthrough. The ball was passed around a few times and eventually was crossed in to Gauss. Gauss did something and then bundled it in. The WMFC bench went wild. 

There really is little else to talk about until we get to the end of regular time. Earlier in the second half, Lanky Turd was jostling with one of WMFC's midfielders when he suddenly dropped for no reason. Immediately, an EMT came sprinting across the pitch, for there was no doubt Turd suffered severe brain, heart, lung, nervous system and sphincter aneurysms all at that same exact moment. But wait...no! The little cunt just took the second worst dive of his career. The shit got up grinning like the Cheshire cat - knowing full well he took a dive. Nothing came of it, but talk about foreshadowing. 

With only around a minute and a half remaining in the match, Lanky Turd outdid his first dive with one of the worst flops of all time. I'm not even sure who was 'guilty' of the love tap, but someone ever so gingerly nudged this flimsy little turd and he flopped like a cinder block being dropped off a cliff. What's the worst part? Lanky Turd stands up with that same poxy-gummed grin on his face. Just moments before, another Arsenal player was absolutely mauled by Lacock, but whatever. This dive was criminal. So, an incensed band of WMFC players lined up around the outside of the box, heaping expletives at this dude as he lined up to take his ill-gotten penalty. I'm not even sure Vargo guessed the right way (I seem to remember that he did), but Karma, in all her glory, sent that bullshit clanging off of the post and eventually out for a corner. Immediately, a complete shit-storm of disses and name-calling rained down on Turd. It was really nothing less than he deserved. Unfortunately, the ensuing corner was turned into the top corner by a guy with a pulled hamstring that couldn't lift his leg to stop over an ant. Extra time was on the cards. 

West Mifflin put immense pressure on Arsenal in the two extra frames. I really don't remember any of the two halves except that Gasparovic was on a rampage. Normally, he reserves his guile and malice for people that actually talk shit. In this case, however, the anger was too great, and the hot-headed Slovakian(?) started yelling at and bouncing into the Arsenal player/coach...completely unprovoked. In hindsight, that shit was hilarious. No one scored in the extra time so it went to PK's. 

West Mifflin sent Baguet, Degerolamo, Gauss, S. Hasson, and M. Hasson to the spot. Baguet lined up and fired a beauty into the top corner. Arsenal responded with a make of their own. Degerolamo, in a wonderful and fitting ode to the FIFA video game franchise, chose to be a little snake and send it down the middle. The keeper dove and got a hand to it, but the shot was too much and it soared into the net. Arsenal responded with the first miss of the shootout, sending it wide to the right. The PK master, Steve Gauss, lined up to take his turn with a bum calf and for the first time I've ever witnessed, sent his kick wide.* The next Arsenal guy tied it back up at two a piece. Sean Hasson was next and sent a bullet up high and in to make it 3-2. The next Arsenal player stepped up. It was the kid with red hair. Not the Carrot Top curly haircut red hair, the regular red hair. He stepped up, picked his spot and let fly. Rob Vargo picked the same spot, leaped across the mouth of the goal, and made the stop. Cheers erupted as the Birthday Boy, Mike Hasson, a Bob Stinner signing from a year ago, stepped up to finish the job. The controller started rumbling. Mike placed the ball and took a few steps back. He looked at the keeper and took a deep breath (I guess). He made his approach and pummeled the ball into the top of the goal and the Blues rushed the field in celebration. That was it. The Arsenal were unbeaten no longer and WMFC was on its way to its first ever GPSL Championship game. 

Check back tomorrow for what I hope to be a less shitty match report of the Championship game. 

Cheers!

*I blame Tony Kostelnik.

Playoff Dates and Times

West Mifflin will play Arsenal at 12:00p on Saturday, July 30th at Graham Park in Cranberry, PA on Field G.

Directions can be found here.

If the Blues (that wear white) win, they will play for the Championship against the winner of Sporting Club of Pittsburgh Bhoys and Sweep The Leg on Sunday, July 31st on Field E at 2:00p. In the regular season, WMFC lost 3-0 and 2-1 to those teams, respectively.

Show some support.

The goal

And just then, a beam of light came forth from the darkened skies; a saving hand from the heavens. A boot came across the penalty area, parting the infidels and making its way to the loosened ball. The darkness trembled as this translucent ray shattered the blackened sky. Just when all hope was lost; just when the Blues collective rear felt too sore from the reaming they had received from the incompetent referee; just when each of them wanted to fold, fall to their knees and scream: LET ME OUT!...a hero stepped forth. A man of integrity. A man of strength. A man of grace, skill and power. A man that personifies all that is right, not just in the world of football, but in the...uhh...regular world as well. A man whose patience is exemplified week in and week out as he deals with college educated teammates that are incapable of typing either 'Yes' or 'No' in response to a straightforward inquiry such as, 'Can you make it Sunday?' Yes, this was a man of belief. A man of charisma. A man of unrepentant drive and determination. A man of...poise. Winters (?) lobbed the ball over a few defenders heads (?) to Lacock who raced down the side and into the corner. He sent the ball across the mouth of the goal where Degerolamo's sliding attempt took him into the keeper. Another little shit dove onto the pile too. The Hero found himself all alone in the box with the ball bouncing toward him. He drove his left foot through the ball, guiding it perfectly past the mangled pile of humanity that lay on the goal line and into the side panel. The man spun around to return to the center circle with the same poise that allowed him to place the ball neatly and precisely where it needed to go. It can't be said for sure but reports from around the time of The Goal, yes, just as the ball crossed the line, a man on crutches sitting in the bleachers threw away the sticks and walked freely with no assistance! Dogs not yet housebroken began opening their owners doors and letting themselves out to piss and shit. Snobs from  Fox Chapel realized that they're not better than everyone else just because they're from Fox Chapel. It was a miracle. A work of heaven, personified by The Hero. But despite these phenomena coming to pass before everyone's very eyes, there was no celebration. There was no whooping and yapping. Just a few congratulatory handshakes, for the man knew there was still work to be done. But for that one fleeting moment, those at the Shady Side Academy stadium were exposed to the humanized iteration of grace and precision. And despite only a handful bearing witness on that Sabbath, all were enlightened.

Blues lose on bumblefuck call, still feel like winners

Arsenal 2-1 West Mifflin FC

Vargo: Kutscher, Degerolamo, Gasparovic, Winters; Pcholinski, M. Hasson, Gauss, Baguet; Stinner, Lacock

Substitutes: Isadore, Pasternak, Lee, S. Hasson 

0-1 Some turd (pen) (11)
0-2 Some other turd (25)
1-2 Stinner (43)

Huh? Crikey, I must have forgotten to describe the rest of the game...was there anything else to see? I'll do my best to make it interesting. Arsenal are good. They're young(er) and if I fancied to make a wager I'd bet my house they've been playing together at least three good years and practice three times a week. They pass the ball extremely well. Passes are either right to the player they're looking for or weighted perfectly into an area of space where the receiver can jog, without breaking their stride right onto the end of it. In other words: they're c****s. Seriously though, there's a reason why they ran the regular season table and scored 25 while only giving up five. The Blues had their work cut of for them. Unfortunately, the same ref that booted this game was back to shit on West Mifflin's game.

Now, a team of Arsenal's caliber doesn't need help from the referee. Much to the chagrin of the Blues, however, help from the ref is precisely what the home team got after only about 11 minutes. The Blues were being passed around like practice comes but were still holding the fort down. The Arse had shots, but none to really trouble Vargo. Then Kutscher made a run across the area, chasing his mark. A ball was shot across the box from behind him and in his stride, yes, that's right, as he was pumping his arms to run, the ball struck his hand. The chances of Kutscher actually knowing where the ball was is approximately 0.00%. But the ref immediately blew the whistle for a penalty. One of the worst calls of all time and more evidence that this ref doesn't know what he's doing or just doesn't pay any attention. Some Turd stepped up, sent Vargo the opposite way and drilled it in for a 1-0 lead. That horrendous call would be the difference in the game.

What made that bullshit call/goal  even more infuriating was the nature in which Arsenal got their second. Yes, some really good passing preceded the goal but the final ball was provided by the 3,427th out of 3,427 ricochets the ball took off of seven different players' legs. After it ping-ponged around for 40 minutes the ball rolled perfectly into the path of some little turd who ran onto it and pinked it off the post and in. So, the best team in the league, despite dominating possession and having close to 90% possession was only ahead 2-0 through a complete c**t of a handball call and the luckiest throughball in the history of sport.

Just before the end of the first half, however, this happened.

So, Stinner got his first of the season and West Mifflin took that into the bench area as a confidence boost...and what a boost it was. Stinner, of course, was lauded by his teammates for such a spectacular goal. However, the always humble gentleman had this to say about his first half strike:

If you freeze-framed me just before I struck the ball and said to me to write on this here piece of paper the ten locations you thought the ball might go after I struck it, with one being where I most likely thought the ball will go and ten being the least likely, #10 would have been where it went.

The second half didn't look anything like the first. The Blues (that wear white) pressured Arsenal in every area of the pitch and didn't allow them anywhere near as much freedom as in the first half. Kudos yet again to the defense and all around superb effort of the midfield. If there's one thing the team does well, it's defend. For two years on the trot, West Mifflin has come second in goals allowed behind only the division winners.

There was little in the second half that's worthy of me racking my brain to remember in detail. Gauss sent in a good cross to Stinner early in the second, but Stinner, after years of not practicing the Mr. Gauss 45 degree angle drill, misread it and it sailed over his head. Pcholisnki waited too long to make a pass - leaving the forward he was passing the ball to offside...again. Towards the end, Stinner sent an absolutely glorious (serious this time, it was a beauty) ball over the heads of three defenders after a failed Arsenal charge left the middle of the park gaping with space. It fell perfectly for Daveon or someone and I don't remember what the hell happened after that...but the ball was perfect.

But that really is about it for the game. Arsenal knocked the ball around and pulled as many childish stunts as possible to waste time towards the end. The Blues had one final chance to tie with a free kick about 40 yards out. Baguet crossed it in and, like the real Arsenal, the pretend Arsenal weren't able to effectively clear their lines and were forced to defend a corner. Lacock sent in the corner but nothing came of it.

So, the Blues fall but they certainly don't feel like they lost. The best team in the league lucked out on one goal and were gifted another. They'd better rest up because it's Arsenal again on Saturday in the GPSL Playoffs Semi-finals at that park in Cranberry with the big Dick's (hehe) sign.

More information as it is received.

Til' next time.

West Mifflin clinch second consecutive playoff berth

and


 

From the West Mifflin FC Supporters Club.

WMFC clinch second playoff berth with 1-0 win over Indiana

West Mifflin FC 1-0 Indiana County FC


Vargo; Kutscher, Kufen, Gasparovic, Winters; Pcholinski, Hasson, Gauss, Baguet; Lacock, Stinner


Substitutes: Pasternak


1-0 Some Turd (og) (38)

 Yellow Card - Some Turd (79)

West Mifflin took to the pitch Sunday night with one task on their minds: getting the Indiana County monkey farm animal off their backs. For the last two years, West Mifflin's season has ended with a 3-1 defeat to the All Blacks. Last season, after WMFC clinched a playoff berth for the first time since their inception into the GPSL Championship  Indiana knocked the Blues out of the playoffs after a grueling sun-soaked 90 minutes in Cranberry. Luckily for West Mifflin, Indiana were a shell of the team that went 9-0 in the regular season last year as they made the trip to Borland Park lingering in 8th spot in the table. A win would go a long way for West Mifflin's confidence heading into the final game of the regular season - a make-up against league leaders, Arsenal. Unbeknownst (1:03) to them at the time, but knownst to us all now, a win for the Blues would be enough to seal their second ever and second consecutive trip to the GPSL playoffs.

As usual the Borland pitch was a scorched mess. The grass looked like a giant, grizzly clump of hag's hair and it was hotter than Hades. In other news: tomorrow the sun will rise. Luckily for all involved, the West Mifflin Gunners of the GPSL Third Division, who share Borland Park with the Blues, shortened the field by a few yards when they prepared the field for their game. It made both teams and their one and two subs lives' a lot better off. The sun blared down on everyone and made affairs for the occupant of the Forest End goal that much more difficult. In the first half, that was Vargo and the Blacks tried to test him right from the opening kick. As Lacock and Stinner stood shooting the shit at the top of the circle, Indiana rolled the ball forward and took an uncontested shot. Luckily, Vargo was paying attention and made the save. You know who else was paying attention? The defense. All four of Kutscher, Kufen, Gasparovic and Winters were outstanding.

Again this week I can't really recall much of the game. Probably because I spent most of it avoiding eye contact with Vargo so he wouldn't punt the ball my way and force me to use something other than my foot. Did I just break character? Whatever. The one thing I do recall from the game are the SKYBOMBS. There were tons. But we'll get to those later. On a serious note, West Mifflin handled the game really well despite only having one sub. Blues sweeper Kutscher put it best:

When we have all of our guys we're one of the better teams in the league.

There's really little to say in argument. With the defense fully intact, West Mifflin was able to field a full-strength midfield of Pcholinski, Gauss, Hasson and Baguet with Winters playing a roaming stopper. The axis of Gauss, Hasson and Winters is really tough to break down and their ability to find the open man is second to none. About half way through the first half some good work from that midfield lead to a WMFC free kick just outside of the area. Baguet and Pcholinski lined up over the ball and stared in at the net like two dildo's approaching entry (I'm not entirely sure what that means...but they looked gay). Baguet, fooling no one, ran hobbled up as if he was going to take the shot, gingerly stepped over the ball with his rotten groin and made way for Pcholinski to take a shot. It was a good effort but the ball drifted a few feet wide of the goal.

Moments later the deadlock was broken. Stinner gracefully received the ball from Baguet between the corner of the area and the touchline. A series of passes ensued -the order of which escapes me. Stinner and Baguet eventually got the ball to Gauss who I think got the cross is. The Indiana defender came across the box just inside the six to defend. Behind him, Lacock was charging the cross looking to bag his third of the season. He wouldn't need it. The defender, who had to make a play on the ball or else Lacock surely would have tapped in, blasted the ball into his own net.

The Blues controlled the first half with relative ease. The first half of the second half (...yeah) was more of the same. However, the latter portion of the second half saw the possession stat tip in Indiana's favor. This was mostly due to the Blues only having one sub. Maybe that was the cause of the 84 SKYBOMBS West Mifflin managed on the day. The most prominent of the day must have been Pcholinski, who sent a Rory McIlroy chip shot rocketing over the goal and into the Forest End, well, forest. That wasn't even his first of the day. Gauss had one as well, as did Baguet I think although his may have been a puddle cruiser that went 12 miles wide. Pasternak had one as well but the Hebrew Hammer explained that he struck the ball with his weaker left foot, which houses a broken bone, and could I spare a fiver, that he wouldn't be able to pay back anytime soon. I kid.

About half way through the second half, Hasson, after some fancy footwork to beat the defender in the corner, pulled back a perfect cross for Stinner who whiffed like Bruce Bochy and MLBs players picking the NL All Stars. The ball bounced to Cory Winters who sent a gorgeous shot towards goal that beat the keeper but went clanging into the crossbar. That was just one of West Mifflin's many shots that peppered the Indiana goal but couldn't find its way in. Hasson also struck the crossbar on a long range effort. Stinner had another chance when Gauss broke through the area and slid the ball back to him just above the penalty spot. The ball wasn't perfect and he had to stretch for it but he got good contact. Unfortunately, it was straight at the keeper. Yes, despite having their chances the Blues couldn't put another one past the lumbering keeper who was really unlucky on the own goal. Otherwise, he had a good game but the Blues came away with the three points and secured their second consecutive trip to the playoffs.

Also, some turd from Indiana got a yellow card for bitching about the center ref and telling her she was 'fucking shit!' In other news: the sky is blue.

Until next time: COME ON YOU BLUES (THAT WEAR WHITE).

West Mifflin humbled at The Oval

Sporting Club of Pittsburgh Bhoys 3-0 West Mifflin FC


Vargo; don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know; don't know, don't know, don't know, don't know; don't know, don't know


Substitutions: don't know, don't know, don't know


0-1 Some turd (don't know)
0-2 Some turd (don't know)
0-3 Some turd (don't know)


Lame.

But check this out (thanks to 7amkickoff):

West Mifflin defeats Allegheny United 3-1

Allegheny United 1-3 West Mifflin FC

Vargo; Kutscher, Kufen, Gasparovic, Winters; Etc., Etc., Etc., Etc.; Etc....

(1-0) Goal! Daveon

(2-0) Goal! Daveon

(3-0) Goal! Winters

(3-1) Some Guy

Daveon shot the ball and scored! Then some stuff happened...and he scored again! WOWEE!!! Winters shot the ball and it hit off of some turd and it went in! Yahooooo! Uh oh, Jordan punched a girl. Free kick. They scored. 3-1. Final whistle!


Great!

Three points!