Vargo; Gasparovic, Jeffrey, Pasternak, Winters; M.Hasson, Pcholinski, Straw, Gauss; Lee, Stinner
Substitutes: James, Wilkinson, Degerolamo, Kutscher, Lacock
1-0 Some Guy With the WORST Haircut Ever (11)
2-0 Some Turd (24)
2-1 Pcholinski (34)
3-1 Shaved Head Guy (43)
4-1 Some Guy With the WORST Haircut Ever (56)
5-1 Pauly D (72)
6-1 Some Other Turd (81)
___
Yuck. In case you didn't make it out to Titan Stadium Sunday evening, and judging by the attendance you didn't, the Blues got their asses handed to them by what is strongly believed to have been the Robert Morris University men's soccer team. It was ugly folks, and I don't mean just the play of West Mifflin. Super Intergalactic Star Kickers must have had a referendum on sporting truly dreadful hair. It has been a few days and although I took notes immediately after the game with help from a few of the lads, I don't really care much to recall, and in turn recap, the Regan Macneil puke bag the Blues left on the field Sunday night.
It was evident early on that the Intergalactic Star Colonizers were top class. They masterfully worked the ball around the pitch with an effortlessness of a team that has had more than zero practices in two months. A doink here, a dink there and quickly a ball was played over the top to Some Guy With the WORST Haircut Ever, whose awful, unshapely turd-ball Euro-mop hair had to have blinded the linesman because he was a mile off-sides when the ball was played. Nonetheless, Euro-mullet-mop Man placed a gorgeous chip over Vargo and into the net. It was a slap in the face - the first game in which Daveon shaved his absolutely magnificent goatee/beard, up steps this schmohawk to chip in a pretty goal. I don't even want to talk about the second goal. Partly because I don't remember what happened. My notes read "Vargo saved and bounces right to an unmarked guy who scored". Great.
Actually, I may just run through my notes in the order I have them written down. My next note reads as follows:
"Cory and Anth returned...and we blew big time"Soooo, make of that what you will. It should be remembered though that Winters just came off a torn hamstring and Degerolamo had just been off for a weekend of being bombarded with big boobskis and butt cheeks bouncing around in his face and was playing with the memory of yet another failed flick early in the first half.
Ah, this is worth mentioning. Jared Pcholinski popped up with an excellent strike to give the Blues a lifeline about ten minutes from halftime. I don't remember how it developed but the new homeowner picked up the ball about 25 yards out, took a dribble and rocket-floated one into the corner. The keeper was fully-stretched but still couldn't get a hand to it and the captain cut the lead in half.
Not too long after Pcholinski's goal, the crowd was witness
to a real howler. Gasparovic found himself at the corner of the box with several Astronautical Interplanetary Star Explorer players in his relative vicinity but with acres of space to lump the ball down the field. I don't remember what the hell happened but instead of clearing it, the defender pulled it back and quickly found himself desperate for an outlet. Vargo, giving the defender an option, called for the drop. Jordan turned, undoubtedly in relief, and played the slowest drop pass the field of physics has ever seen. It was a beautiful pass though and Shaved Head Guy (I think) ran onto it and clipped it around Vargo and into the net, simultaneously stifling any momentum the Blues conjured through Pcholinski's goal and eliminating any real shot at a come back.
The last three goals are all kind of a blur, so here are my incredibly detailed, Malcolm Gladwell-like notes on the remaining events of the game:
-Fourth goal ball deflected to the top of the 18 and some ass-clown, ah! the Guy With the WORST Haircut in the Wrold actually, pops it into the corner of the net. How can someone with such awful hair score such nice goals? Dick.
-An abhorrent handball call in the box. Straw steps up! And....puts it too close to the keeper who, now that I think about it, had a disturbing, lion mane hairdo. What the hell is all this about? It's consistent throughout!
-Fifth, ball worked down right hand side cross deflected off Vargo off Cory to guy Tyler was marking who looped it over them into net. This was Pauly D. This kid had a blowout. And he plays soccer. This phenomenon has left me orange-faced and spray-tanned. Fist pump for another shitty haircut!
-Sixth, who cares. My food is here (we were at a restaurant). Oh, the guy tried to kick it to the left side of the net but blasted it upper 90 on the right side. Again...dick.
The only thing left to discuss is how Etan unceremoniously dropped Pauly D like a ton of bricks. In the box. And nothing was called. The two were chippy with each other after Pauly D got a robust sliding challenge on Etan early in the first half.
That will do it for this week folks. Gotta take the good with the bad and dust this one off. There is no game this weekend as the legend Thomas Vincent Kleinenberger ties the knot in the Caribbean. There will be plenty of stories to be told from that week I'm sure.
Til next time, stay properly groomed up top!
#COYB
