Gauss bags a brace to help West Mifflin beat talkative bunch

FTM United 1-2 West Mifflin FC


Vargo; Kutscher, Kufen, Nickel, Gasparovic; Baguet, Gauss, Pcholinski, Lacock; Stinner, Degerolamo


Substitutions: Daveon, Isadore

1-0 Gauss (13)
1-1 Some Turd (56)
Daveon-Yellow Card  (65)
Some Turd-Yellow Card (73)
2-1 Gauss (pen) (73)
Some Other Turd-Yellow Card (88)


The Blues traveled into Pennsylvania back country for a game with third place FTM United on Sunday, and were greeted with shitty refereeing and even worse whining and bitching. From the jump there was wailing and gnashing of teeth of biblical proportions from the gentleladies in red. As has become the norm, West Mifflin went into this game with 13 of their possible 19 squad members. Yes, while some spent the day gallivanting about town, leaving their teammates to unnecessarily suffer exhaustion and heatstroke, others fought the laboriously high grass and equally tall tackles of the Ladies in Red. Despite the ridiculous shortage of man-power, the Blues found a way to grab all three points.

West Mifflin went into this game knowing little about their opponent. The Reds had beaten some top teams, lost and drawn with some lower-table teams, and tied teams that have scored a lot of goals 1-1. Although they didn't receive any intuition as to style of play or overall skill, the Blues got a really good idea as to what FTM United were about when they got to the field and noticed several opposition players prancing about with no shirts on. Ignorance is strength though and West Mifflin dominated the early goings on. West Mifflin started the game in a shuffled 4-4-2. With Kutscher returning to sweeper, Pcholinski was able to move back into the center of the park to partner with Gauss. Gasparovic moved to stopper and Nickel got a start out on the left side of defense. West Mifflin's midfield were strong from the start. The triumvirate of Gauss, Baguet and Pcholinski and their ability to win balls and find an open man is impeccable. On several occasions, both Stinner and Degerolamo were released on a nicely guided through ball to the corners. It didn't take long for Stinner to realize something: the right back had absolutely no idea what he was doing. It made sense, for he was one of the shirtless wonders. Whenever the ball was in the Reds attacking zone, he would push way too far up the field and leave acres of space down the right side. Stinner and Degerolamo exploited the space repeatedly but couldn't find a way to put the ball into the net. Probably because Stinner looks and feels like this.

Stinner's best chance came halfway through the first half when Pcholinski sent in a perfect cross. Stinner lunged for it and slid on his six year old studs and yanked his hamstring. Not too big a deal other than the sheer ridiculousness of the miss, as moments later, Gauss scored an absolute peach. I don't remember if it was from open play or a corner [Edit: it was a free kick], or even who sent it in (I think Lacock) [Edit: it was a midget-man with an over-compensating temper, below-average Rock-Paper-Scissor skills and the weakest calf muscles in the world who sent in a really poor cross], but Gauss flew across the box and leaped into the air. The cross was so unbelievably bad, Gauss was fortunate he had the awareness to get his hair-wax based, mohawk-styled head to the ball. He was able and he glanced it up and over the outstretched keeper and into the back corner...

The crowd was silenced by the goal which is strange because they bitched in equal magnitude to the players they came to support. Which was also strange because what happened next was a clear indication of the character of these turds. On a corner kick some jerk tried to punch the ball into the net. The center ref, who very well could have been refereeing the first game of his life, didn't blow his whistle. The assistant referee, upon being asked by Matthew Alan point blank if he saw the hand ball, said he did in fact see it...but didn't raise the flag. Yikes.

The second half started almost identically to the first with West Mifflin dominating possession and squandering several chances. Of course, I can't recall any of them outside of Stinner going up for a header...and not heading it. I think it was around this time that Daveon got a yellow card. I also can't remember if this happened in the first or second half, but he got one and I'm sure it was probably a bad call. Yada, yada, yada, FTM equalized on yet another rinky dinker. It may have been a corner and it may not have been, but the ball bounced around the area for what seemed like ages until a red-clad plonker plooped it in to make it 1-1. It was a shitty goal to concede and it was made worse by the jubilant reaction of the home crowd. Rubbing salt into the wound, Dan-The-Man Isadore, added to the squad mid-season to add depth to the threadbare WMFC roster at the behest of Head Scout Chris Nickel and Scouting Director Tyler Lacock, left with an undisclosed foot injury and was unable to return - leaving WMFC with only 12 fit players to see out the remaining 20-odd minutes.

It didn't look good for West Mifflin but it's times like these that the leaders step up, grab the team by the short hairs and lead them to victory. So, who stepped up and lead the team on? Degerolamo. And what did he do to stand out as a hard-nosed, "let's get down to business", even-though-I-never-come-to-practice-I-still-think-I-should-start-and-play-the-whole-game GAAARRRBAAAAAAGGGGEEEEE Man of a leader? He took a dive. Or so, that's what the entirety of FTM's 11 thought. Yes, those mighty bastions of truth that only 40 minutes earlier tried to score on a corner by flailing a hand at a cross were accusing Degerolamo of diving when he was clearly bulled over by the defender. There was no hesitation from the assistant ref and the flag was raised immediately. In the kerfuffle that ensued, a stumpy, dwarfish man had the nerve to say something to Gauss, whose faux-hawk was now lined up over the penalty spot. It was a silly comment to make and he was shown yellow. Gauss lined up and shot it to the keeper's left. The keeper chose the correct side but couldn't get to it. Gauss had his double and West Mifflin regained the lead for good. After that the Blues went into Bolton-mode and barricaded the 15 yards outside the penalty area with 10 defenders for the remainder of the game.

One final note: Kufen raced down a stray ball that was headed for the touchline. He beat the ball there and was able to boot it out for a throw. Once the call was made, a Justin Timberlake wannabe, Justin Timberfake (cheers to my RMU roommates) if you will, turned and once again mouthed off to the ref. He was also shown yellow and that was that. West Mifflin leapfrogged FTM United with the win and now sit third in the GPSL Championship table on 14 points. There is no game this weekend but the Blues will play back-to-back on Saturday and Sunday next weekend. Hopefully, the Blues will have more than 12 for those two big games. See you then!

West Mifflin beaten by the luckiest, most rinky-dink goal in the history of world football

West Mifflin FC 0-1 Century V White

Vargo: Pcholinski, Kufen, Jordan, Etan; Tyler, Gauss, Baguet, Daveon; Stinner, Degerolamo

Substitutes: Nickel, Isadore, Winters?-I don't remember



0-1 Some lucky fuck (68)


This fixture is becoming an unlucky one for WMFC. Last year the Blues took the lead on a Gauss header early on and held it until the very end when a dodgy free kick that scuttled past Vargo saw them drop points. This season brought more of the same as the boys were beaten by what was easily the most pathetic goal of all time. Century V are skilled, powerful and quick. West Mifflin, for the most part, are none of those things. They play physical and occasionally connect the proverbial dots with good passes. On this particular Sunday, however,  the Blues (again, rocking their whites) were pinned back in their own end most of the game and were relegated to lumping the ball out of danger. It was another hot one and they were again without several key players due to injury and wanton libatious celebrations.

The first half was almost completely dominated by Century V. Possession had to have been somewhere around a 70-30 split. Century got their shots but never really troubled Vargo. There were a few moments where a player in a red shirt appeared to have loads of space only to have a WMFC defender charge onto him and alter his course. There were also times when that same scenario arose and the man in red blasted a shot towards goal completely unchallenged - the boys in white too tired from huffing around the sun-soaked pitch with only three subs when they should have had six. Despite being on the wrong end of the possession statistic, WMFC managed to keep the ball out of their net and even threatened one or two times in the first half. Cory Winters had a very good run down the left side and could have been in for a cross to Stinner who had freed himself up at the top of the box had a Century V defender not nicked the ball away at the last second. I also seem to recall Daveon and Gauss having chances as well. However, all went afoul before the ball could be placed into the net.

Tactically, WMFC had to reshuffle the lineup to accommodate their missing starters. The 4-2-3-1 formation that had worked wonders through the first few games just wasn't doable without the Hasson brothers manning the holding mid spots. Without Kutscher, Pcholinski had to take over at sweeper which left a second, third, and fourth gap in the midfield in addition to the loss of Reed and his chins.West Mifflin returned to a regular 4-4-2 and their having a line of players at the 18 and the 50 and no one between. Dan Isadore made his debut for WMFC and played very well in defense. In fact, all of the defense was outstanding throughout. They were all sucking wind at the end, but they kept the opposition at bay for as long as they could.

About five minutes before half-time, Stinner subbed back on as a defender. Before he turned to Kufen and two others on the bench and said,

I bet you they score before half-time with me back there

With about 15 seconds remaining in the half, a cross was played in from the left side. Stinner awkwardly leaped for the ball only to see it soar over his head and right at the nearly-perfectly positioned striker. The striker got his head to it, but could only send it wide of the goal. The whistle blew. Almost prophetic.

In the second half, WMFC saw a little more of the ball and were slightly more threatening. Century V, realizing that there was no way in hell they should not be winning the game given the obvious disparity in average skill per player that was clearly skewed in their favor, started to push forward aggressively which left a big gap in the back (<---that sounds like a song title that Sisqo might use). It's hard for me to say that Century V didn't deserve the goal because over the course of the game they were the only team that looked anything like scoring, but the way it went in is totally ass-chapping. Here goes: a cross came in from Vargo's left. Kufen and Gauss were back to defend and each had a mark to follow. The ball soared across the field. It ricocheted off one of the forwards and then looked as though it may have bounced off of something else. As Vargo darted across the goal line nimbly, the ball took another deflection, changing its course and sending it underneath Vargo had who made it over to protect that side of the net. Sadly and slowly, like George Costanza rounding third in a beer league softball game, the ball rolled into the net at a snail's pace. Seriously, it took longer for that ball to cross the line than Antonio Cromartie to name all of his kids - and he's still trying to name those last few. And that was how the Blues fell. The worst goal ever.

On the whole, the game was officiated really well. Except when the refs decided to be racist*. Twice Daveon found himself slicing into the area when the whistle was blown for a shaky foul. First, the defenders foot (in running motion) clipped Daveon's shin. He fell over and instead of waving play on and allowing Daveon his toe-ball, the ref called a foul. Then, later in the second half, a defender and Lee were both going for a 50-50 ball when the defender ducked his head down to waist level to head the ball away. Daveon tried to settle the ball with, get this, his foot. Of course, there was uproar from the Century V players for a high kick and of course the call was given.

So, WMFC falls to 2-2 on the year at 10 points. They currently sit fifth in the table, eight points from league leaders Arsenal (gotta say it when I can). Their next game is either Saturday or Sunday.

*only kidding

West Mifflin cruises to second win

West Mifflin FC 6-1 Universal Foothills

Vargo; Kutscher, Etan, Lee?, Winters; Hasson; Hasson; Pcholinski, Gauss, Baguet; Stinner


Substitutes: Reed, Lacock, Nickel, Klein, Degerolamo

1-0 Baguet (30)
2-0 Baguet (40)
3-0 Baguet (42)
4-0 Lacock (51)
5-0 Lacock (56)
5-1 Some Guy (64)
6-1 Vargo!!! (77)


Yellow Card  Degerolamo (58)


It was chilly at kickoff time at West Mifflin Area High School Sunday where WMFC took on a diminished Universal Foohills. Despite the visitors only having eight or nine to start the game, the Blues did not offer to play down two men. Fucking right. I have no idea how the first three goals were scored. I don't even remember what the starting lineup was. From where I was, they all looked the same - Baguet getting the ball out on the left flank and then just curling the ball into the net. Three times. The Blues were fortunate that the little man found his form because they squandered several really good chances before the first one hit the net.

Stinner found himself in front of goal - but off balance - and sent a shot five-hole, only to have it deflect off of the keeper's testicles and then safely into the keeper's hands. There were a few other chances where the Blues did their best Arsenal imitation where rather than have a shot, they decided to pass the ball around the six yard box and eventually out for a goal kick. Reed bellowed on several occasions to shoot the ball! (No, way! That's what you do?) At halftime, I asked the statistician about Reed's stat line. He handed me the stat sheet and this is what it read:

Passes attempted: 7
Passes completed: 1
Successful dribbles: -4
Unsuccessful dribbles: ∞
Shots: 0
Shots on Target: hahahaha

Other than that there really wasn't anything else that happened in the first half. Oh, wait, there was a corner kick that Stinner was lined up perfectly to get his head to. He squared it up and prepared to unleash a furious header that most likely would have bulleted into the top corner for his first of the season!!...but, at the last possible second, Pcholinski selfishly yammered for Stinner to leave it for him. Stinner did just that...and the ball plooped off of Pcholinski's saggy bicep and fell to the turf. The co-captain took a swing with his leg and the Blues watched with sadness as the ball clipped the side of Pcholinski's boot and careened out of danger. Typical. Opportunistic. Snake.

The second half was more lively. Tyler Lacock bagged a brace and Rob Vargo grabbed his first ever WMFC goal. For Lacock's first, Stinner was played through by Sean or Mike or someone and foundhimself one on one with the keeper. Glancing up, he saw Lacock gimpily trotting alongside him to his left. As the keeper drew closer, Stinner played a perfect little square ball into Lacock's path. He took about 13 more dribbles than necessary and then booted the ball into the net for his first. Later, Tyler found himself down the left side again, wide open. As he wound up the shot, the keeper came storming out. He let fly a howitzer that deflected off the keeper's hands, floated in the air and into the net. Congratulations Tyler. You're still a United supporting maggot gizzard cunny twat.

Moments later the shutout was broken. After almost falling asleep six times, Vargo asked to come out of the net. Tom Klein was kind enough to volunteer to step in. He did well for about 15 minutes...and then it happened.* On what had to have been only his second touch of the ball, Klein picked up a back pass in the box and Foothills were rewarded a free kick inside the area. However, the free kick was so terrible it didn't come close to going in and the Blues cleared it.

A little pipsqueak turdball beat two WMFC defenders in the corner, dribbled in and beat Klein nearside for that group of wiener-watcher's only goal of the game. Cool.

At this point, I am getting really sleepy because it's late and this game is already three days old and I haven't gotten this thing written yet. However, I need to describe Vargo's goal. To be blunt, it was fucking excellent. He got the ball out on the right side and curled it up into the opposite side netting to make it 6-1.

Some minor notes: Degerolamo got a yellow card but probably didn't deserve it and Reed was dragged for six yards by the back of his shirt, twisted a knee and shouted obscenities. He will probably be out a few weeks.

I apologize for the crappiness of this write-up. I am exhausted and must retire now.

EDIT: Oh yeah, Daveon had a S K Y B O M B!!!


The Blues play this Sunday at 6:00p at Century V in South Park. See you there!

*Several years ago WMFC employed a man named Dario. He wasn't very good. In WMFC's opening game that year, a game that they won 11-1, Dario gave up the only goal because he picked up a back pass somewhere around the six yard box. Ever since that day, Klein has brought up "Dario-Mario-and Luigi" almost on a weekly basis and used to often use the fact that WMFC, in it's infancy years, would employ players of this talent level as an excuse to not play. Saying things such as."man, you still got Dario-Mario and Luigi on that team? I ain't playing if you have that dude on the team."

WMFC comes from behind for first win of the season

West Mifflin 3-1 Sporting Club of Pittsburgh Enosi


Vargo; Kutscher, Gasparovic, Kufen, Winters; Hasson, Hasson; Baguet, Gauss, Pcholinski; Stinner


Substitutes: Reed, Lacock, Lee, Degerolamo, Klein, Nickel

0-1 Some Guy (20)
1-1 S. Hasson (31)
2-1 S. Hasson (38)
3-1 Gauss (55)


Donning their new home kits (cheers to Tyler Lacock) and lining up in a new formation, West Mifflin Football Club took the field Sunday against Sporting Club of Pittsburgh at Borland Field. Having been screwed out of the use of their regular home field by a bunch of 9 year olds that have no business playing on field turf, the Blues had to make due on the petrified Borland pitch. West Mifflin kicked off with six subs this week against a Sporting Club side that had zero subs until 10 or so minutes into the second half. It's safe to say that the extra manpower paid dividends. Before the game the referee did WMFC a solid (the only one he would give them all game) and took a picture of the squad in their new kits. They look a classy bunch, no?

At the behest of the supremely knowledgeable and wise Managing Director Bob Stinner, a 4-2-3-1 was used to start the game, with the Hasson Bros. inserted as the two holding mid-fielders. The defense remained the same and the Wildcat triumvirate of Baguet, Gauss and Pcholinski started as attacking mids. Stinner started as the lone forward. In lieu of wails and whines from West Mifflin's portly veteran, Chris Reed, who unsurprisingly was against using anything other than a 4-4-2, the Blues dominated the opening. Winters and both Hassons broke up any semblance of a Sporting attack and found one of the three offensive mids with ease. West Mifflin had several chances in the early going. Stinner played right along the back line - effectively stretching the Sporting defense as far back as possible and giving the mids space. The Blues came closest when a low cross was sent into the area. Two white-clad attackers waited in the middle. A Sporting defender put his boot out and deflected the ball towards the side netting - prompting a nice save from his keeper. That sequence lead to WMFC's first corner of the evening...but I don't remember what came of it. West Mifflin continued to press and saw some good play between Pcholinski and Stinner. Stinner laid the ball off to Pcholinski about 30 yards out. A pass here from Pcholinski; a pass back to him from Stinner; someone crossed a ball in and it was deflected into the air; Stinner headed it beautifully to Pcholinski and then it all goes blank in my memory bank.


Despite really good pressure by the Blues, Sporting Club took the lead on 20 minutes. A free kick was given out on Vargo’s right for something that probably wasn't even remotely close to a foul - for Sporting Club has to be the biggest bunch of divers I've witnessed in seven years of playing in the GPSL. EDIT: It wasn't a free kick at all.It was a throw-in. Doesn't change the fact that they Michael Phelps'd it all game. I digress. A bullet of a cross was sent in, leaving the defense and Vargo slightly confused as to what to do. Vargo started for it and then stopped after recognizing the swiftness of the ball. A WMFC defender tried to challenge but it was too late. Some Guy got his head to it and just flicked it at the correct angle past the keeper and into the side of the net to make it 1-0.

Eleven minutes later, the genius of Managing Director Bob Stinner (and only the genius of Managing Director Bob Stinner and not someone else's such as Mike Hasson), shone through again as all of his hard scouting, recruiting, contract negotiation and player development work came to the fore when new boy Sean Hasson leveled the scoreline. According to Matthew Alan:

I'm a huge spunkguzzler. Daveon brought the ball up the middle and fed Gauss who took the ball out to the corner. His first attempt at a cross was blocked but he stayed strong on the ball, regained his composure and sent his next attempt into the area. Daveon controlled the cross and put a shot on net. The shot, however, was right at the keeper and it deflected off of him and into the path of Sean - an outstanding signing by our Manager, Bob Stinner. The whole game was really a testament to his supreme, 'polymathic' personality. He is the greatest and I am the worst.

The referee was really inconsistent when he made calls. There was one incident when Pcholinski had the ball along the sideline and the speedy little turd kid clipped the back of his leg and took the ball. It was a clear foul and the ref was no more than five yards away but didn't make the call. Then Pcholinski caught back up to him and plucked the ball out from the goons legs, causing him to fall over and the ref blew the whistle for a foul. Terrible.


On an unrelated note, Baguet slapped a guy in the nuts...and then joked about it at halftime.


Anyway, at some point after Hasson leveled the score, WMFC took the lead off of the same man's boot - or head - I don't remember. In what was one of the prettiest uses of the ball I've seen in a long time, Pcholinski, Mike Hasson and Gauss created the chance for Sean Hasson. Pcholinski received the ball on the left side with Mike out on his left, just even with the defenses back line. Pcholinski, who often tries stupid goober moves that fail miserably, sent a perfectly placed chip over what looked like three blue-clad defenders, right onto Hasson's foot. Hasson then played Gauss breaking through the middle of the defense who collected and released a shot that also deflected off the keeper. Sean Hasson was perfectly positioned again and slid the ball into the net. It really was Barcelona-esque and it gave the Blues (who were wearing white) a 2-1 lead going into the half.


The second half saw some more dodgy refereeing and an incident between the Sporting goalkeeper and Steve Gauss. But before all of that, Gauss put the Blues up 3-1 from a corner kick - I think (I say I think because let's face it, we are nearly completely useless when it comes to set pieces). Whatever the circumstances, the ball was played so high that everyone that was in the box stopped to watch it sail over. Everyone that is, except Steve Gauss who leaped so high his head looked like it was above the crossbar and face/headed the ball into the top corner, prompting Reed to bellow:

Aoooohhhhhhhhhh!! He's white! And I still use jokes from the mid-90's!

Reed subsequently got hit in the nuts with the ball...or something to that effect.


That did it for the scoring but not the action. Once West Mifflin went up 3-1 Sporting had to press to score. It looked like Sporting only kept three back in defense which allowed WMFC almost unchallenged access to the Sporting goal. Kutscher made a run from beyond midfield and had a shot on goal. Stinner, who never, EVER, heads the ball for any reason whatever, sent a gorgeous looping header on target that nearly beat the keeper. Just as with the headed goal he scored last season, the entire park was stunned.

Later, the Sporting keeper pulled a Ken Spalding and tried to dribble up the field with his team down two goals, promptly lost it to Gauss who lost a boot in the proces. The ref gave a free kick because the keeper was a twat. The keeper, realizing that he was being a twat, threw Gauss's shoe away from the area of play -buying time for him to run the 45 yards back to his net. Whatever. He's GAAARBBAAAAAGGGGEEEE! 


This may go down as the single best team performance in WMFC's history. Every player played a good game. Chris Nickel had a hell of a game, getting stuck right the fuck in on the one guy that scores like six goals a game. Tom Klein had a markedly improved game this week compared to the first game. His passes were crisp and his vision was outstanding. Tyler Lacock played a good game as well - plucking the ball from tired Sporting wingers on several occasions. It was a really good game for the entire squad. Hopefully, the boys can carry that over to practice this week and the game (which is now at 6:00p) Sunday. They should also let Bob Stinner know if they'll be at practice and the game immediately, if they haven't done so already. Finally, the 4-2-3-1 was pure genius.

EDIT: Vargo made some ridiculous saves as well. That's all.


Hope to see you there!