27 March 2009

2009 Season to Kick Off May 3rd

When all 24 (or maybe 25-GPSL just can’t seem to get their shit together) of the teams that make up the Championship division of the Greater Pittsburgh Soccer League take to the pitch for their first match on May 3, 2009, it is likely that no other team will do so with as many new faces as that of our beloved West Mifflin Football Club. Four of our most beloved Blues; Andrew Kufen, Jon Renner, Steve Gauss, and Tom Klein, all vital pieces of the team’s early success last season (and subsequent failure in the latter half of the season) have either left the game for a season, have retired altogether, or have decided not to play with no decision on their future.

Kufen, a keystone to the Blues defense will be leaving for what appears to be the entire season to work…somewhere…on something. “Losing Kufen is like losing two bodies on the field” winger Bob Stinner said. “Kufen the player and then there’s his beard.”

Jon Renner, a newcomer last season, brought a physical presence to the defense. The man renown for hip checking a girl into the drape separating the fields causing her to cry and injure her ankle in a Pitt Intramural game last session, would only be able to attend three or four matches this season and in turn, respectfully requested that he be left off of the roster. He did, however, submit his undying support for the club to Managing Director Bob Stinner. Says Stinner, “He said he would be able to come to some games, you know, ‘if we ever needed a fan.’” A fan, Mr. Renner.? I think we are all well aware of the throngs that typically make their way to Borland Park for WMFC Match days. Your presence, however, will always be valued.

Steve Gauss, whose level of savvy on the pitch is only rivaled by his level of eccentricity off of it, will not make a return this season. There has been speculation about Mr. Gauss’s status at the beginning of every year since the core of the Blues started their GPSL work with the Shockers. Year after year intermediation was needed to get the man who’s skills with the football are undeniable (it can be argued that Gauss has been WMFC’s best player) to return to playing. However, this season, the lure of living and working in Arizona, and probably more so the financial requirements of such an endeavor, proved too great and Gauss has decided not to return. We wish you luck Mr. Gauss.

Finally, Tom Klein has decided to give up football for fulltime drywall. I will not say much here except that he was a great player and friend even though he listened to horrible music when we won Edinboro. There will be a subsequent post documenting his storied career shortly.

In addition to these fine footballers that will not be returning this season, Matthew Alan Baguet will also be leaving mid-season. This is bittersweet news as on one hand we will be losing another great player and friend; on the other hand, we will not be losing him for a whole season as was once suspected. However, he is a cunt so maybe it’s more sweet than bitter.

So, with that said we wish all of you luck in everything that you decide to do instead of pay a measly 85 bucks and play some soccer on Sundays with your friends you fucking pansy douche bags. Go f*ck off to whatever you feel is more important/fun. Cunts.

It is not, however, all gloom and doom. Just like our president went from declaring a depression that could bring about the apocalypse in October to declaring a full-on tsunami of economic growth…in 2010 just a few weeks ago we too are able to switch our story from sadness over the departing players to excitement and joy about the new signings brought in by the WMFC brass.

To replace the total of six (I only documented those I had stories on above) players leaving the squad, Managing Director Bob Stinner was able to bring in eight new players to more than make up for the loss (strictly from a numbers perspective, of course). Matthew Alan Baguet, who since the formation of the team last season has complained adamantly about every single person management has brought in or sought to bring in, has finally done something to strengthen the squad. He helped to bring in two players-one that Stinner could have gotten on his own and, I must give credit where it is due, one solid player that would probably have been out of the reach of the Blues if it were not for him. So, after complaining about nearly 10 additions, Baguet has brought us one. Great work! you poxy cunt-salad. The eight new players are: Dalibor B., Drew Hruska, Mike Hasson, Tony Kutcher, Tyler Lacock, Daveon Lee, Eton Pasternak, and Zack W. Rather than write bio’s until I get carpel tunnel, I will write bits n’ bobs about these guys either when they do well in a match, they say or do something funny or cool, or if I ever feel like it. I am at work and can’t do this shit all day ya know.



So, with that said, I give to you the full first-team 2009 West Mifflin Football Club squad:

2 Nick Cyr, ST
3 Drew Hruska, D
4 Tony Volk, ST
7 Tyler Lacock, MF
8 Chris Reed, MF/Assistant to the Regional Manager
9 Dalibor B., D/MF
10 Jared Pcholinski, MF/D
12 Corey Danzey, D
13 Tony Kutcher, MF
14 Matthew Alan Baguet, MF
15 Chad Dorney, D, MF/ST/All-around All-Star
16 Chris Nickel, D
17 Mike Stafura, D/MF
18 Jordan “Les Miserables” Gasparovic, MF/ST
19 Bob Stinner, MF/website keeper/Managing Director/Manager/Overall TCOB
20 Daveon Lee, MF
23 Eton Pasternak, D/MF??
24 Zack Wahal, MF/D??
25 Rob Vargo, GK
29 Mark Stafura, MF/D
∞ Mike Hasson, D/MF??/dater of neighbor

07 March 2009

Have You Seen or Heard From These Men???

West Mifflin Football Club players and supporters we need your help in the most dire of fashions. We, the upper management of West Mifflin Football Club have been unable to contact both Chadwick Dorney and Chris Nickel. Dorney was last seem at Chris Reed's Christmas party back in December. Nickel has not been seen since the end of last season. Managing Director Bob Stinner has placed several calls and has sent repeated text messages to both requesting their confirmation or declination of their playing this season. He had this to say:

I don't know if because they have engineering jobs they think they're so goddamn important that they can't answer us but they had better respond soon or they will be left off the team, the cunts. Fuck sake.


In case you have forgotten what they look like here are the pictures on their player cards:



Left back Chris Nickel: missing since August 2008. Last heard from via text message beginning of February 2009.





Right back Chad Dorney: missing since December 24, 2008. Last heard from via text message mid-February 2009.



Please, if any of you have any information regarding the whereabouts of these two please call the West Mifflin Football Club offices (or Bob's phone) and let us know so we can ask them if they ARE GOING TO FUCKING PLAY. Faggots.

Thank you.