Chris Reed named new co-captain

Manager Bob Stinner (not Managing Director/Owner Bob Stinner that made the revocation of captaincy announcement via press conference last weekend) announced that Chris Reed has been named the new co-captain of West Mifflin Football Club, via memo to the media. The 15 year veteran has been with the team since its inception in 1995, so his appointment came as no surprise. It also shows that he has regained the trust of the manager after the falling out between the two in pre-season, when Reed was a total cunt and didn't go with the manager to a league meeting in Bumblefuck, Pennsylvania. A transcript of the memo can be found below.

West Mifflin Football Club is proud to announce the appointment of Chris Reed as co-captain of our club. He will join Jared Pcholinski as the other co-captain. Chris has been around a long time and works hard. Mostly because he has to because he's a load. He gets stuck in and doesn't take it from anybody. I think he'll do very well with the arm band. The Club and I both extend our congratulations to Chris.

Matthew Alan stripped of co-captaincy

Stinner: "It's sad but it had to be done..."

It is official. Matthew Alan Baguet has been stripped of his co-captaincy of West Mifflin Football Club for not showing up on Sunday. Managing Director, Bob Stinner announced the decision today at a brief press conference:





Players were shocked to find that the little douche wasn't coming to the game this past Sunday. Said one player:

It's hurtful that our captain would shun us to play golf on a shitty golf course. For Chrissake, Burgs, it wasn't fucking TPC Sawgrass.

Another had this to say:

Hopefully he'll stop acting like a douche, realize that golfing is gay and he'll never be any good at it, and just play. We could have used him this weekend. How dare he ask the manager if we 'were good on numbers.' You're a fucking captain you shitbag! Fuck!

Finally:

That douche better know Civics 9 inside and out after that stunt, the fucking cockgobbler.

The Blues may be floating towards troubled waters. Let's hope they are able to steady the ship.

WMFC suffer 3-0 setback at Schenley Park

Sporting Club of Pittsburgh 3-0 West Mifflin FC

DeLuca; Kutscher, Gasparovic, Kufen, Bradaric; Hasson, Gauss, Pcholinski, Stinner; Cyr, Volk

Subs: Reed, Nickel, Daveon, Lacock, Pasternak, Kidd, NOT Baguet

0-1 Some turd (14)
0-2 Some other turd (26)
0-3 A third turd (44)

After two big wins to start the season, WMFC suffered their first loss of 2010, falling 0-3 to Sporting Club of Pittsburgh Sunday at Schenley Park. The result was a strange contrast to seasons past as the oval has been kind to the Blues, who have won there twice with two 5-4 scorelines. It also seems that more is wrong at the club than the small setback at the weekend, as Matthew Alan, a player that is revered by fans and well-respected by teammates was reportedly stripped of his co-captaincy. Manager Bob Stinner did not name a new co-captain before the match at the weekend, so the Blues went to work with center-mid Jared Pcholinski serving as the lone captain. More news on this development as the WMFC Supporters Trust gets it.

This game will certainly be looked back on by WMFC with frustration. The Blues, for the most part, possessed the ball well and looked like they had several opportunities to at least put a shot on net in the first half. However, a heavy touch here, a crooked bounce there and West Mifflin were unable to capitalize. Daveon made yet another wonder run into the box, weaving in and out of several defenders, only to have one of the four goons that never left the the line of the 18 boot it away. Gauss and Pcholinski fired a few from far out in attempts to test the goalkeeper (who wore the gayest goalie shirt of all time, by the way...an orange and black monstrosity), but both struck wide or high. Cyr got deep a few times but was unable to challenge the keeper. Stinner and Volk combined on a nice give and go which had Volk pop a nice ball over a defender and into Stinner's path. He chested the ball down and took it around one defender...and straight into the wheelhouse of one of the goons. He swung his foot through to try to put it on goal just as the defender swung his foot through to boot it out. Stinner got the ball but it ricocheted off the defenders shin and out to another Sporting player. The defender got Stinner's toe. Temporarily maimed by the blow, Stinner couldn't get back to defend. Some turd eventually took the ball around the defense and slid the ball into the net making it 0-1. Stinner subbed himself off.

Later, Stinner had another chance after yet another beautiful cross from Hasson on the left. But, instead of trying to rip it with his left, he side-kicked it with his right foot and a little dinky-doodle rolled into the keepers orange-clad arms.

In a loss, especially one in which the Blues have been blanked, when and how things happened are a complete blur. I don't care about the other team's players because they are typically right and proper twat munchers. That said, I can do little to describe how the second craptacular goal of theirs started. Somewhere along the way the opposition broke down the left. DeLuca looked like he had the angle covered. Everyone in the ground was expecting the striker to put a decent foot into it, you know, really give it a knock on goal. He didn't. The shot was the equivalent of a toy poodle queef. Unfortunately, it fooled everyone...including DeLuca. The ball rolled slower than a geriatric rolling down the aisle at Shop N' Save on Sunday morning, right under the keeper and into the net.

Despite that, West Mifflin looked poised to cut the lead in half just before the break after some more good play from the mids and forwards. The ball fell to Stinner who lined it up and struck a ball towards goal. The games first controversy ensued. The ball struck the hand of a Sporting defender who was clearly in the box. The ref explained to a dissenting Sporting player that it would have been a shot on goal had it not been blocked. Stinner had this to say regarding that:

A crack dealer's penis has a better chance of not getting sucked by Lindsay Lohan than that ball had of being on net

Crack and felatio or no crack and felatio, the ref blew the whistle but pointed just outside the area for a free kick. Why was a free kick given and not a penalty? Perhaps it was leniency on the part of the ref but if you're going to be lenient don't make the call. The handball was inadvertent as the player's hand was at his side. It's either a no call or a penalty. Regardless, Pcholinski and Gauss lined up for the kick. Pcholinski took it and struck it well, but into the wall. In his defense, it is quite difficult to bend one in from that distance so blasting it hard and low is really the only option. However, he should really put down the X-Box controller and practice those things sometime for fucksake. There was another half chance in the aftermath of the free kick, but Sporting got the ball and took it on the counter. Despite being cunts, this is one area the opposition excelled in. All three goals came on the counter. The ball was played into the left corner yet again. This time Stinner (after some magical healing spray from the physio) was charging hard back to his area. He tried calling out to the defense to get the guy at the top of the area. But with three whtie shirts there it was difficult to match up that quickly. The ball was rolled across the box past three West Mifflin defenders, dummied by a second turd and finally finished by a third turd into the top corner. Kufen did his best to keep it out as the ball skimmed the top of his head, but it wasn't enough. So, there it was. Halftime and the boys were down three-nil.

There really shouldn't be much to report on the second half, however, the side ref made it impossible to not discuss it. Two blatantly incorrect offside calls canceled out a goal and denied a second goal scoring opportunity. The first came on a corner, I believe. Cyr and Reed did some one-two work allllll the way up by the corner flag. Stinner waited patiently in the box, approximately between the penalty spot and the top of the 18. A perfect cross was sent in from either Cyr or Reed. What happened next is more rare than Chris Reed refusing food or Pcholinski not camping in Call of Duty. Robert Stinner put his head to the ball and sent it perfectly into the net for what had to have been the Blues' first. But no. The side ref had the flag raised for offside but there was no chance it was off. Reed and Cyr were standing right next to each other so neither of them could have been off. Stinner was staring at two Sporting defenders further up the pitch than he, so he certainly couldn't have been off. That leaves only one explanation: the ref sucked.

Towards the end of the half, someone played a perfect through ball to Stinner as he found himself one-on-one with the keeper with Lacock to his left. But, once again, another horrendous offside flag by the side ref called the play back.


And that was about that. The boys played well but it just wasn't their day. No one really had an excellent game but if a choice had to be made I would say Reed was Man of the Match. It is a long season and there is still plenty of football to be played. The boys will look to rebound from this setback next Sunday at 10a at Borland. See you there.

West Mifflin grab 4-1 victory in Oakdale

Red Dragons 1-4 West Mifflin FC

Vargo; Kutscher, Gasparovic, Pasternak, Kufen; Hasson, Pcholinski, Gauss, Stinner; Volk, lolllllol

Subs: Nickel, Reed, Daveon, Kidd, Cyr, Hruska


1-0 Volk (16)
2-0 Daveon (20)
3-0 lolllllol (24)
4-0 Volk (36)
4-1 Some guy (56)

Another inspiring first half from the Blues helped them to their second win of the young season. Four first half goals allowed West Mifflin their first ever 2-0 start. After a delay of 40 minutes waiting for the referees to show up the game kicked off to massive applause from the two Blues fans in the cavernous McKinley Park stands. The first few minutes were fairly back and forth with each team exchanging a few chances. While Red Dragons looked more threatening, it was West Mifflin that had the better opportunities. An early cross from someone found the head of Volk. His header was strong but the keeper got a hand to it and put it over the bar.

The opposition had many what appeared to be half chances, where a white shirt would get played in on goal, but a WMFC defender would find a way to the ball and get a foot in and block the shot. It needs to be said again this week that the defense is playing very well. Kutscher and Gasparovic always seem to employ that perfect last ditch tackle. Vargo, who will miss another game next week because he will be vacationing with his family in Fargo, North Dakota to visit the Erector Set Hall of Fame, certainly appreciates the work done in front of him so far this season...which has been one game. He said:

I certainly appreciate the work that has been done in front of me this season.

Just when it appeared that the game was destined to be a close affair, the Blues' go to guy came through again. After some perfectly timed strategy employed by Manager Bob Stinner saw two or three substitutions, Volk put home a beauty. Daveon took the ball on the right side of the center circle and dribbled through 90 people. He eventually laid it off for Gauss who pulled it back and laid it on for Volk. Volk took a dribble or two and sent the ball in a curvy-dipping motion to the side of the net. Most at the ground thought it was over the bar, including most of the WMFC bench...and the Red Dragon keeper. So, when the ball dipped perfectly into the net to make it 1-0 to the good, there was fair amount of surprise in the cheer that went up from the rest of the squad. Either way, that made it 1-0 to West Mifflin.

Minutes later, Daveon doubled the lead with some more fancy footwork. I am at a loss as to where he was when he received the ball, but I believe he took it through several more defenders and hit a nice low, hard shot into the left side of the net. The keeper was left naked at the back and there was little he could do. Regardless, Daveon netted his first of the season in fine fashion. Only moments after that, Anthony Degeramalamadingdong, aKa, lolllllol, aKa LOL Kid, executed a variation of the flick, spin and chase move that he became renowned for trying and failing miserably at two seasons ago. Someone sent a ball from midfield towards Degerolamo who had his back to the defender that was between him and the goal. When the ball bounced in front of him, he dummied it, letting it roll right past him. He spun around the defender and caught up to it and was in one-on-one with the keeper. He took a few dribbles and slid it nicely past to make it 3-0. Finally, a little less than 10 minutes from the halftime whistle, Volk secured his brace and WMFC's fourth of the day. A ball was shot-crossed in by lolllllol and slipped through the crowd of players across the face of goal. Volk's predatory instinct had him in the right place as he trotted to the ball to meet it with his foot. The result: 4-0, good guys. Volk now has four goals through two games and later on in the game, added a SKYBOMB to his stat sheet. Also, in the first half, Reed fell down and tried the old, I've-fallen-down-and-instead-of-letting-the-ball-go-past-I'm-going-to-slide-in-and-grab-it-so-the-play-can-stop, play. But, when his beefy hand missed the ball the first time, rather than just letting it go, he took another swipe. He got it this time. He was whistled for excessive Beef Hands.

That did it for WMFC's offense, however, and Red Dragons managed to pull one back ten minutes or so into the second half, thanks to Drew who had to mention that the Blues hadn't conceded yet...alas! No one really cares about how they scored, so: a ball was played in, some dude kicked it and it deflected into the net. Other than that, Vargo had a stellar game, once deflecting a powerful blast onto and over the bar. He had little to worry about overall but had even less to worry about regarding the oppositions #10. Reason being, #10 fell to the ground easier than one of those whirly-copter things that fall off of trees. Stinner recalls:

I farted accidentally whilst tussling for the ball and the bloke just bloody dropped to the ground, shouting as if he had been struck by the blast of a blunderbuss! I nicknamed him Cunty McTwat for the rest of the game.

Later on in the half, after Stinner had been subbed off to bask in the glory of his genius decision to have a roster of 20 players as the other team was down to 10 men and the Blues had six subs, and then subbed back on again, he was witness to the most obvious offside call in the history. lolllllol received a beautiful cross from someone on the right side, he controlled and passed the ball forward to Pcholinski, who was literally, five yards ahead of the play. The flag went up and Pcholinski began yelping his innocence, forcing Degerolamo and Stinner to laugh hysterically because they both knew he was off by a million miles. They both told Pcholinski that he's gaarbaaaaggggggggge.

That was about that; another solid defensive performance. A few players need to be mentioned for their good work. Gauss and Hasson have done a remarkable job in midfield. They both are very controlled with the ball and you can see the rest of the team is comfortable when they have the ball. Them, combined with Baguet and Pcholinski make for a formidable midfielding force. In addition, Reed and Drew have an uncanny ability to dispossess opposition. Other teams almost always bitch about one or the other, oftentimes both, but for the most part, their play is hard and clean and needs to be commended.

So, WMFC starts off the season 2-0. Let's hope they can continue their good form next Sunday at 6:30p at Schenley Oval. See you there.

Blues start season off with sound 3-0 victory

West Mifflin FC 3-0 Heidelberg

DeLuca; Kutscher, Gasparovic, Kufen, Bradaric; Reed, Pcholinski, Gauss, Baguet; Volk, Stinner

Bench: Nickel, Pasternak, Hasson, Kidd

Volk 18' 1-0
Volk 34' 2-0
Reed 80' 3-0

West Mifflin Football Club started their season off on the right foot with an impressive win over South division rivals, Heidelberg. It was an overcast and rainy morning at Titan stadium and while WMFC would have preferred sunshine, they will not be unhappy with the result; especially against a team that handled them at home 4-0 just two seasons ago. Everything was good for the Blues on this day though as they prepared to open the season at home for the third time in as many seasons. Everything that is, except for Trevor Kidd, who wore a baseball hat and a poncho during warm ups. If anyone has an explanation for this, other than it being really gay, I'd love to hear it.

The Blues were also playing their first game in their new 3,000-seater stadium on the campus of West Mifflin High School. In keeping with the blast from the past theme, Kufen and Kidd (despite warming up like a batty-boy) made their anticipated returns and put in good outings. With Heidelberg playing down a man, West Mifflin had the lion's share of possession throughout most of the first half. Any time Heidelberg looked like they were developing something, one of the Blues' industrious midfielders or defensemen got stuck in and regained the ball. With Vargo out at a science fair and second choice keeper Chad Perry out on coaching duties, WMFC regulars wanted to let backup keeper Jon DeLuca have a nice, quiet game. They did just that. DeLuca was hardly challenged on the day but did well when called on.

Stinner started the assault on the Heidelberg goal with a cross-shot. You know these things. It's a cross but since it's so poorly struck it soars toward the goal instead and just with a bit of luck it's actually on goal and the keeper has to make a save. And then, of course, whoever hits the cross-shot claims that he intended to do whatever outcome makes him look best. Anyway, this particular cross-shot led to WMFC's first corner and their first scoring opportunity. On the corner, several Blue shirts had a shot at opening up the season scoring, Volk in particular. The corner came in and Heidelberg didn't deal with it effectively. The ball bounced around the area and after one WMFC player put a foot into it, it was deflected and popped into the air. Volk had a glorious chance with a header but it was blocked and came back to him. He tried to head it back across the other side of goal but instead it went straight at the keeper.

A few minutes later, however, Volk opened the scoring. West Mifflin broke down the left side, something they did very well all day. Volk, Stinner, and Gauss all broke as Baguet(I think) wound up to send in the cross. When the cross came in, Volk got to it and put his left foot through it and into the back of the net. Or something like that happened. About a quarter of an hour later Volk doubled his tally and WMFC's lead. After some good work by West Mifflin down the sideline, Hasson found himself in the clear for a cross. Thankfully, Hasson actually plays soccer on a daily basis and his cross didn't suck tremendous ass. The cross was well placed and Volk met it head on (pun intended) and put it into the side netting beautifully.

It would appear that the training sessions WMFC had put themselves through the two weeks before the season have paid off. Corners, crossing, and possession passing were the three areas most worked on and it was these areas the team excelled in. The Blues would gain possession, knock it around the park nicely, play it down the sidelines, and then play a cross in. A lot of the play was lovely stuff and indicative of the type of play this team is capable of.

So, the first half came to an end with the Blues up 2-0. The locker room, which was really the least leaky section under the Titan stadium bleachers, knew that 2-0 was good, but the team was far from satisfied.

The second half brought more of the same as the first half. It eventually deteriorated into a typical GPSL game where one team is down a man or two. West Mifflin had chance after chance with an occasional counter by Heidelberg. This is where the defense needs to be praised. They were very good. The back four may be the best WMFC has ever had. Kufen, Gasparovic, and Kutscher were hard-nosed and relentless in challenging the Heidelberg forwards. Dalibor was outstanding as well as stopper, sneakily slipping in and taking the ball away at crucial moments and then finding a midfielder to move it along to. Sure, the opposition were down to ten men, but the defense looked really good. Even the forwards got in on defending well. Stinner tracked back to pick off an unaware Heidelberg attacker from behind. He gave it right back but that's not the point. Stinner also dove in and blocked a cross as well.

Despite the good defensive play, Kutscher did manage a howler. Now, it needs to be noted that just a few days earlier, Wednesday actually, during a four-on-four drill, Kutscher challenged Stinner to take a 'free-kick', a penalty of sorts, that was nothing more than placing a pass through the two cones making up the goal. Kutscher made some kind of comment like, "yeah, let Stinner take it...I know he'll miss." So, Stinner lined up to take the shot on the rock-ladled and crater-filled Borland pitch...whether or not he missed it or made it is beside the point really because on Sunday, Kutscher found himself alone in front of goal, with a keeper that, according to another Heidelberg player had never played soccer until that day. Kutscher wound up as the ball smoothly ran along the flawless Titan stadium turf and unleashed a Matthew Alan Baguet-like skybomb over not just the net, but the field goal posts as well. Heidelberg breathed a sigh of relief. I immediately remembered the training session...

There were two more clear chances that WMFC were not able to convert. This doesn't even include Trevor Kidd receiving the ball with no one in front of him and instead of running at the defender, turning and looking for someone to pass the ball off. First, I don't remember who it was but the ball was pretty much on the six and someone managed to boot the shot wide. Volk had a shot at the hat trick as well, diving for a volley that I believe went right at the keeper. However, these misses pale in comparison to the absolute shittiness of Reed's free kick. A free kick was given to WMFC about 25 yards out. Volk, Reed, and Pcholinski were lined up over the ball. I looked down at my journalist notebook for a second and when I looked up, I saw Reed quickly run to hit the shot. He hit it and we had our second skybomb of the game. The ball soared over the net and another goal scoring chance went begging.

Finally, WMFC got their third to kill the game off in the 80th minute. All it took was some masterful work by Bob Stinner. Having received the ball from Hasson or Baguet (I was in such awe of how well Stinner received the pass, I can't even remember who passed it to him), Stinner turned towards goal. There was a defender coming to him as Reed broke towards the net. As if he did the physics in his head, and it is entirely possible that he did, he played a through ball with the perfect weight to Reed who was looking to make up for his orbit shot that almost knocked out a military satellite earlier in the game. He eventually got to it and hit the slowest rolling shot in the history of soccer. Seriously, I saw a turtle running down the sidelines quicker than the shot. Regardless, it rolled past the keeper and into the side-netting, 3-0 WMFC. So, Reed gets his first goal to go with his first skybomb, with an assist from Stinner.

So, WMFC starts the season off with a win. The only thing that could have been a bit better was the fan turn out. Where were all the Blue-clad supporters that used to fill the Borland Park stands? As far as I could tell, WMFC had two supporters there. Mr and Mrs Volk. Now, I love a Mr and Mrs Volk sighting as much as the next guy, even if Mr Volk didn't recognize me at Danzey's going away party, but where are the throngs of supporters? Did they get lost on the way to the new venue? Perhaps they forgot the team has a new home. Whatever the reason, I hope they get it sorted out for the Route 51 derby against Elizabeth Forward next Sunday. Hope to see you there.