Injury Update

Jared Pcholinski's vagina has torn. She had been suffering from vaginal cramps and is now listed as day to day.

Stinner: the definition of 'crocked'

Our first injury update of the year is a gruesome one. Bob Stinner, managing director, manager, and player, suffered a severely sprained ankle during training Sunday afternoon whilst participating in the take-back game, a drill world-renowned and made popular because of its use in practices by France in their World Cup winning year of 1998. For the one or two people on planet Earth who do not know the rules of take-back, a drill that is typically used when a team of 19 players has only seven show up to practice, a team must complete five passes before shooting or must volley the ball into the net to score. While participating in the 'take-back' game, Eton played a miraculous through-ball in the air and right up the gut of the defense for Stinner. He leaped to get a touch around the keeper but the ball was just out of reach. When he landed, he landed awkwardly and the result was one hell of sprained ankle. He says he heard it crunch and judging by the pictures below there is little evidence to suggest there weren't several million crunches.


Disgusting.


Foul.


Certainly, the definition of crocked.

So, there it is. The first injury update of the year. Stinner will almost surely miss the first game of the season on Sunday, May 10th at Borland at 11:00am. There was no indication whether or not he would be out for an extended period, although he has been instructed to complete physical therapy starting one week from today.

He is the only one that looks to be out. Other than that WMFC will have a fully-fit squad.

See you then.

Have You Seen or Heard From These Men???

West Mifflin Football Club players and supporters we need your help in the most dire of fashions. We, the upper management of West Mifflin Football Club have been unable to contact both Chadwick Dorney and Chris Nickel. Dorney was last seem at Chris Reed's Christmas party back in December. Nickel has not been seen since the end of last season. Managing Director Bob Stinner has placed several calls and has sent repeated text messages to both requesting their confirmation or declination of their playing this season. He had this to say:

I don't know if because they have engineering jobs they think they're so goddamn important that they can't answer us but they had better respond soon or they will be left off the team, the cunts. Fuck sake.

In case you have forgotten what they look like here are the pictures on their player cards:



Left back Chris Nickel: missing since August 2008. Last heard from via text message beginning of February 2009.





Right back Chad Dorney: missing since December 24, 2008. Last heard from via text message mid-February 2009.



Please, if any of you have any information regarding the whereabouts of these two please call the West Mifflin Football Club offices (or Bob's phone) and let us know so we can ask them if they ARE GOING TO FUCKING PLAY. Faggots.

Thank you.

Tom Klein to hang up his boots...

At a press conference this afternoon, longtime West Mifflin Football Club striker Tom Klein decided that the risk of damaging his fragile leg any further was too great and announced that he will not return to the Blues this season. Instead, the sure-fire first time Hall of Famer has indicated he has hung up his Vapors in his garage next to his fishing galoshes and kayak for the final time. The speedy striker who has long been a steadfast pillar of West Mifflin Football has decided that kicking his 'dust' addiction, fishing trips, and gaming are best for him and his family. We (I) here at West Mifflin Football Club Online would like to take this opportunity to thank him for his service to the club on and off the pitch. We offer this career retrospective in his honor.

None of the original members of the Wildcats will ever forget the first day that Tom and Steve Klein were dropped off to practice at Borland field in one of those white minivans that every family with more than one child had in the nineties. We stood there in awe, actively passing the ball hither and thither, as the brethren made their way down the steps and onto the pitch. We had all heard of his speed but were in absolute shock to see him bare-chested and sporting...JNCO jean shorts. "How can he play in those?" was the question tossed around. "Is this dude even any good?" was also exchanged on several occasions during that first warm up. However, as practice began the obvious skill crystallized, even to the point of one Wildcat to exclaim "He's our secret weapon!!" in an awfully gay voice.

As the years went on Klein blended into the team and became an integral part of its on field success. He also became a close friend to many of the players including, Bob Stinner.

I remember before we went to Edinboro in 01' we had practice here the Wednesday or Thursday before and the old cunt was telling me how he was going to buy a Pastor Troy CD for the tournament. I laughed my ass off when he told me that. Pastor Troy? Pure garbage. But whatever he listened to thank God he did. He did quite a job in defense in that championship game. As a goalie I was and still am grateful.blockquote>

Stinner and Klein also shared the bond of their father's sitting apart from the rest of the WMFC fans behind Stinner's goal. Many thought the two old men sat there to be closer to their sons but in reality, it was because they were shunned by the rest of the fans because they smoked twelve packs of Marlboro reds each per game. The two are most remembered for standing behind the goal during the 2001 PA West Tournament Championship game against Bethel Park - a game in which Klein starred as a defensive juggernaut. "I remember him playing in front of me in defense and how hard he worked. He made some saves that day as well" Stinner said. Klein also put one of the team's penalties in the shootout. Stinner recalls:

I remember that funnily-shaped head darting toward me ahead of everyone else right after I made that last save. He was a fast bloke. Jumped into my arms and the next thing I remember we were on the bottom of the pile.

Stinner and Klein were almost picked up on vandalism charges for scratching their girlfriend's names into the booths of a restaurant the two were dining at. As I recall from spending the day with the two, Stinner had already finished his work but when the waiter came around the corner Klein was still grinding hard into the wall with his car keys. His reaction when he noticed the waiter standing there was priceless.

The following year at Edinboro was not as kind to Klein as he was shown red against Twin Boro for tackling some cunt for being a cunt. Klein was deserving of a red but then again so was the cunt for being such a...well, cunt.

Outside of his on-pitch performances, Klein will most likely be remembered for his spontaneous face-making and the manner in which he would very easily make it known that someone had said or done something immensely gay and/or stupid. Unfortunately, there are no documented photos that I have come across of said faces but anyone reading this knows of what I write. As far as belligerently putting someone down for making even the slightest error, we can look back upon the "kill yourself" era, to the use of the term "Oh God" which still remains. But we can also reflect on newer nuances such as what I like to describe as the "frozen-look-off-into-the-distance-then-turn-the-cellphone-upside-down-and-pretend-to-answer-it-by-saying "Hello, I'm Brian Fellows" thing, or what I am assuming is his new favorite, pointing at the offender and saying "FAIL."

On a more personal note, Klein introduced me to Fox Soccer Channel and my most beloved team, The Arsenal. He introduced me to my favorite player, Thierry Henry (not actually) and since 12th grade I have been the most die-hard of all Arsenal supporters. I don't think even he understands what that study hall period in the library of West Mifflin Area High School meant to me. It reignited my love for the sport I had played since I was three, (by far the longest I have played any sport) but it also solidified him as one of my best friends. A best friend that would tell me that I should gel my hair not so I would look good, but because if I needed to I could just take some out of my hair and use it to masturbate (he said this while making the best of his faces I had ever seen). A best friend that made me change my career path. One day he asked me what I wanted to do with my life and I told him I wanted to be a journalist. He did the "frozen stare" thing and showed me average yearly salaries for journalists and laughed at me hysterically. I am now a miserable auditor. A best friend that would go on to try and fight me in a bar because he had one-too-many dry-wall brownies. Despite that though to this day when I daydream of scoring the winning goal against Mt. Lebanon I always say to myself that if I had scored it I would have run into the locker room and hugged him first because of his busted up nose.

Anyway, the cunt was good and he scored a lot of goals for West Mifflin over the years. I don't remember a lot of them because I was either in goal picking up the rocks that were ingrained into the Borland Park pitch and trying to hit the cross bar from the top of the 18 and not really paying attention or because I didn't play in high school like a proper cunt. But I know some were important and some were just icing goals but either way: Cheers to you Tom Klein. Thank you for all of the years of service. It was a pleasure to play alongside you. Good luck hanging drywall, smoking drywall, fishing, eating drywall, watching YouTube videos and then sending them to me/putting them in your away message, texting me to tell me you sent me a YouTube video, kayaking, gaming, snorting drywall, having your tools fall out of your truck, and watching Pens games.

Player Update: Tom Klein

West Mifflin FC veteran striker Tom Klein sat down for an interview this week to discuss items such as his return to fitness, his return to the squad which remains up in the air, his love of fishing, and his penchant to dabble with dry-wall-dust-based narcotics. Klein suffered a grisly injury this past July which put him out for the season. Although surgery was not necessary doctors decided the best way or him to fully recover was to take the rest of the season off. Klein described the injury which caused the tendons and/or ligaments (I will never, for the life of me, remember which is which and which does what) that connect the lower part of the ankle to around just above the achilles tendon to snap apart and subsequently roll into a ball around the big ball like area around his ankle, as strange. He said:

I didn't really feel it and I'm not totally sure what caused it. Probably when one of the fat asses tackled me. But I remember being subbed off and walking off the pitch and sitting down. After a few minutes I started to feel something in my foot. I didn't think anything else of it until the end of the game when I took off my boot and the entire bottom portion of my leg was black and blue. Then I knew I was crocked.

After seven months, Klein still has not conirmed whether he will play this season or not. I tried vehemently to continue the interview with him, but he said he was too busy with Twilight Princess or watching FPS Doug videos. Talk about nerddom. He also tried to hide a small packet of what resembled sawdust from me when I entered his basement room. He fumbled around with it clumsily and eventually tucked the substance away in a drawer. It would appear that Klein is still battling drywall-based drug demons he has suffered from ever since taking up the art of drywall hanging. At first he would get high just from working and breathing in the dust. But after years of working in such an environment, it appears he continues to have to get his fix. All he does now is collect the stuff in little baggies and take them home to sniff or bake into brownies. Come to consider it, this may well explain the near scrap I had with him at a bar in the southside a few months ago. One moment he was his goofy self, drinking beer, making fun of all of the douchebags at the bar with me, then all of a sudden, like the Hulk, he was threatening to "break me in half." I thought to myself at the time "what the devil's gotten into him?!" Now, it seems I have my answer. It's all very mad isn't it? Well, regardless of what he likes to do in his spare time, he should certainly let managament know what the hell he plans on doing this season.

Penn State Alum Lacock Joins Blues

West Mifflin Football Club Managing Director Bob Stinner is delighted to announce the signing of magnificent midget and Penn State University alumni Tyler Lacock on a free transfer. The Lisa Drive man will join fellow Clovercrestians Bob Stinner, Chris Reed, Chris Nickel, and Chad Dorney at Titan Stadium after inking a three-year deal this morning. A natural right winger, Lacock can play anywhere on the outside.

Lacock, 24, who played a key part in both the 2007 IBM League Championship and 2008 Neville Island Indoor League Championship, had an impressive scoring record in both leagues. So impressive, there is no actual record of it and in all honesty, I don't think too many give much of a shit. He has made numerous appearances for other teams and has been around the game for many years. He is a Manchester United fan. Which means he is a cunt.

If memory serves, Lacock, alongside Tony DiCenzo, anchored the mid-field of West Mifflin Travel Soccer Club side Dorney for a season. The two, however, were constantly at loggerheads and as the relationship deteriorated they both cunted off to either other sports or the classroom. The controversy allegedly stemmed from the fact that DiCenzo often wore a baseball cap to practices at the vaunted Borland Park. Everyone thought that the gesture was childish and irresponsible, especially Lacock who furiously demanded that the hat be removed. Tyler went on to graduate near the top of his class while DiCenzo...well...he's a great basketball mind that drives too fast through Clovercrest. He's overall a good chap though. Cheers to him.

Stinner said: "Although he is a short little cunt he will add depth to the midfield. Our primary problem last season was having enough players. He has iterated to me that he will be here for every training session and every matchday and that he won't let things like "spending time with mom" get in the way. It's good to know we have that."

Given the Blues' struggles with people showing up last season, the arrival of Lacock will surely provide a boost for the players. When asked about his thoughts on Lacock being brought in, Jared Pcholinski, in so many words, expressed his unbridled enthusiasm: "He's definitely playing? Sweet dude."

Lacock was unveiled to the media today and is shown below. At this time what number he will wear is an open matter. It really all comes down , strangely enough, to what want-away midfielder Steve Gauss decides to do.


West Mifflin FC Managing Director/Manager/General Manager whose hair indicates that he just rolled out of his bed, shakes hands with and welcomes Tyler Lacock to WMFC.



Tyler Lacock, officially unveiled.


When asked about his thoughts on joining WMFC he had this to say: "I'm really excited. I have had success elsewhere and I hope to continue that here. It's very good to be back on my hometown team. I have played for West Mifflin teams in the past but since Dorney could never beat Reed I realized that the team I was on sucked. I know this team played very well at the beginning of the season last campaign but a thinning squad kept it from competing at the end. I hope to help with that this season and hopefully we can bring in some silverware."

In additional transfer news, Matt Baguet still has not done anything to bring in any new players like he always says he will. Also, at a press conference at 2 PNC Plaza yesterday, Manager Bob Stinner let on that the club was targeting two more players to sign before the start of the season in May and let on that a deal for Tony Bonacorso may be near completion. The manager had this to say:

We are in talks with him. Specifically, Chris Reed is in talks with him. He needs to get me his information for his paperwork and of course a picture for his player card. I still need to speak to him so we will see.

In addition, Stinner mentioned he and the staff were considering extending offers to two players from Arsenal of Pitt's Indoor IM League, both midfield/strikers that would certainly do wonders for the team's scant depth.

Everyone at the official website of West Mifflin Football Club would like to welcome Mr Lacock to the club. You had better not suck.

West Mifflin FC pursure several new signings

West Mifflin Football Club Managing Director Robert Stinner has confirmed interest in several new players: Tyler Lacock, and two youngsters to replace some of the departing players. He said "we feel that these players will do well to replace some of the players that maybe leaving. As you know the futures of winger/striker Tom Klein and center half Steve Gauss are both very much up in the air." The Blues were very thin last year due most of the time to injury and others to people just deciding to not come to the game.

Chris Reed, who also doubles as an assistant General Manager, is in talks with a former Century V player who could also strengthen the squad for the new campaign that begins sometime in May. "Ya, I figured I'd send him a tex." Way to really go out there and get em' Chris.

So, without using anyones name in particular since I don't like to use people's real names unless they say it's cool, here is the transfer speculation for West Mifflin Football Club this close season:

Out:
Dario

Maybe Out:
Mark
Gauss
Baguet
Tom Klein

Maybe In:
CV Player
Person Baguet is supposed to talk to #1
Person Baguet is supposed to talk to #2
Person Reed is supposed to talk to
Youngster #1
Youngster #2
Volk's Cousin
Tyler Lacock

So, what we have, really, is a whole lot of speculation and nothing to really wrap your head around. The next few weeks should clear some things up and I will be back here to let all of you Blues fans know what is going on. Til' then.

Baguet to Leave Blues

Yesterday was a sad day for Blues the world over. Matt Baguet, affectionately know on the West Mifflin Football Club Official Website as Matthew Alan Baguet, will be leaving the squad. Whether or not he will be able to play this season is not yet known. Currently, he is working on a deal with a government agency in Virginia and will be taking an accounting position with them. The entire team is gutted over the prospect of playing without their hard-nosed left-winger, some for the first time in their footballing careers. Winger/right back Bob Stinner was especially upset over the chance of not playing with him as early as the upcoming season. "The first time I played with the bloke was somewhere around 1990 at Community Day. We won the games we played that day, all of them. Afterwards, I went over his house for the first time. I then spent almost the rest of the next five or six years either at that house or with him at my house. The little bastard, and he is short isn't he, left me without a blanket the one time I slept over there. I had to use a damned throw rug to keep warm, the cunt. But yes, I will miss him. He's a good friend of mine and I wish him the best."
The rest of the players weren't available for comment because I sit in a cube all day by myself looking at light-blue/gray cube walls.

Baguet was an integral part of the West Mifflin Wildcats that formed nearly 12 years ago, leading the team in scoring for several years. A short, but tough winger, he is able to weave in and out of defenders as well as he is able to challenge for the ball. Many will remember him for dribbling down the side of the pitch, wide open at the end of a match and just before crossing the ball, falling (backwards with no other motion in any joints in his body) to the ground grasping the back of both legs and shouting "MY CALF MUSCLES!" He has been suffering from low-potassium muscle aches for several years now. He also was the only human in the history of football, to head the ball from less than a quarter inch off the ground and have the ball go over the bar. But, probably most importantly, Baguet was part of incredible West Mifflin footballing sides that achieved such feats as: winning the Thomas Jefferson Tournament when we were all like 11, going undefeated in Division 1 in our first two seasons as the West Mifflin Wildcats, leading the team in scoring for at least one of those seasons (not sure because I didn't keep all of the Valley Mirrors that Mrs. Reed wrote Match Reports for anymore), not losing to Mt Lebanon for the first time in West Mifflin High School Soccer history, and of course, the granddaddy of them all, being a part of the vaunted West Mifflin Wildcat squad that took down ALL of Western Pennsylvania's best to win the 2001 Edinboro PA West Open Tournament (although his specific accomplishments in that tournament escape me at the moment).

Although a few of the players will have the opportunity to play alongside him starting next week in some indoor action at the University of Pittsburgh, many more may not get the chance. On behalf of Jared Pcholinski and Jon Renner, we hope to bring you a Championship if this is to be our last hurrah with you little doot. Matthew Alan Baguet, we wish you the best here at West Mifflin Football Club. And if you know what's good for you, you will find a way to play this summer.


A proper goodbye tribute may be posted here later...and that's a huge maybe.

p.s.-I am nearly in tears writing this in my cube.